this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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