the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
