turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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