I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
