I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
