I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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