mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
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Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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