Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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