I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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