I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
