She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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