You made me cry and you don't even care
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's rum buckets o'clock
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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