I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
