One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
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