Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
