i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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