I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Buhtt sex?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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