It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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