i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
