i think my mom watched the whole time
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
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Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i out mim tonsoeep
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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