so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
