I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
