I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
