I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
