On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
