he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
