Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
