I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
