mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
