I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
