Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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