I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
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A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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