Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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