Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
