i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
