Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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