I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
