found the other keg... it's in the tree
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
