saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
