put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize