At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
