omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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