drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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