I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
