I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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