Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
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Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My ATM looks so different sober.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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