So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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