I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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