Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
