What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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