Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
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I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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