seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If I die, sorry about rent.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
