does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
